


Pizza and Business (and Regret)

by cinderrain



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Awkward Phone Call, Dark Magic, M/M, TAZ Secret Santa 2017, pizza brings everyone together, satanic rituals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-20 06:39:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13141158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cinderrain/pseuds/cinderrain
Summary: For@ghostnamedcaseyfor the TAZ Secret Santa Fic Exchange! Thank you for organizing this whole exchange, and I hope you have a wonderful Christmas! c:Prompt fromthis post: “im a pizza delivery person and i just delivered a pizza to someone in the middle of a satanic ritual and they gave me their number???” au





	Pizza and Business (and Regret)

It’s Kravitz’s last delivery of the night, and he’s looking forward to getting out of the snow and going home. His fingers are freezing, even in his gloves, and he keeps having to scrunch up his nose so his face doesn’t go numb. He glances down again at the receipt for the address, and he thinks for the the fourth time in the last fifteen minutes,  _ what a weird order _ . 

He climbs the stairs up to the door and wastes thirty seconds looking for a doorbell that isn’t there. When he gives up, slips one glove off, and knocks, there’s no answer. He’s about to knock again when he hears a muffled voice come from inside. 

“It's open!"

“Well, all right,” Kravitz mutters to himself before he settles the pizza on one arm and turns the doorknob with the other. “Oh Jesus.”

He has a clear view into the living room from the doorway, and it’s not pretty. The lighting is unnaturally red, the shadows sharper than they should be, and there’s wind whipping around indoors. The living room floor has been cleared for a sloppily-drawn circle in some kind of red paste. Kravitz hasn’t seen this particular pattern before, but it’s clear what it is. Candles of all different sizes and colours flicker, somehow still lit despite the wind, on every available surface. A few books lie open precariously close to the candles, and Kravitz can just barely hear over the wind someone knocking about in what he assumes is the kitchen. 

“Is that the pizza?” the same voice calls from that other room. “You can put it on the thing, I’ll pay you in just a moment.” 

Kravitz is trying to figure out what he means by “the thing”, because every surface is occupied, when he hears a very loud crash and a gorgeous young man stumbles out of the kitchen. He stares, still speechless. 

The man looks him up and down. "Thank you, darling. What was it, $12.99?" He starts fumbling through his purse.

“Uh, yes. Yeah.” And then, because he’s an idiot and he can’t  _ not _ mention the whole  _ situation _ , he blurts, “I like what you've done with the place."

The man’s gaze sharpens. "Do you, my fella?" He comes up with the money and presses it into Kravitz’s hands, the tips of his fingers lingering just a little. His eyes meet Kravitz’s for a few seconds too long. 

Kravitz stumbles out, and he doesn’t even remember to count the money until he gets to the car. There's a generous tip and a little slip of paper with a number scribbled on it and how did he even...? He’d been watching the whole time. 

He doesn’t let himself think about this unforeseen dilemma until after he drops off the car at the pizza place and he’s walking home in the snow. He never expected his two jobs to overlap like this. Or overlap at all, really. Pizza and dark magic don’t usually mix. He gets his apartment door open, sheds his jacket, and slumps against the wall. 

He should clarify, maybe. First. Before he brings anything to the Raven Queen. 

He plans it all out, and the next day he dials the number at a very reasonable 1:00 pm. It rings, keeps ringing, and nearly drops before the other side picks up. 

A groan. "Hello? Taako, from TV, who is this?" Taako’s voice is a little softer, like he’d just woken up, and Kravitz is hit with a sudden  _ I don’t know how to handle this _ . 

“Oh, um. I'm your delivery guy. Pizza. From last night?” He smacks himself, quietly so the phone doesn’t pick it up. 

“Oh!  _ Ohhh _ . Well hello then.” Taako sounds pleased, and Kravitz regrets this call more and more by the second. 

He takes a deep breath. “Look, I'm very sorry to do this, because under other circumstances I'd-- No, sorry.” He pauses. Forces himself to keep going. “I've made this call for business.”

Taako’s tone changes yet again. “Business?” he echoes, very carefully.

“Yes, well.” Regret regret regret. “Pizza delivery isn't my only job,” he starts. Cautious.

“I see.”

“Don’t hang up,” Kravitz adds hurriedly, suddenly afraid that Taako will. “I wouldn’t-- I’m not going to-- I just wanted to clear some things up. I have a few questions, if that's all right. Only questions.”

“Only questions, huh?” Taako laughs, but it isn’t a nice laugh. “That and you know where I live,” he points out, lightly. “Have at 'em.”

_ Arghhhh. _ “Look, I don't want this to get--” You started this, he tells himself. Just follow through. He collects himself and slips into his business voice, glancing at the checklist he has pinned up on his fridge. “I'd like to know what the components of last night's spell were, the intention, number of people affected, and which class of demon you were attempting to contact. I don't need to know-- don't tell me if it succeeded or not. That's better left off the record.”

There’s a silence long enough that Kravitz starts to worry that Taako hung up and he’d just missed the click. Before he can take the phone off his ear to check, Taako answers. “You really know your stuff, my good man.”

“I-- thank you.” What else is he supposed to say to that?

“Let me check, hmm.” There’s a rustle of movement. “You know, I don't make a habit of this. you just caught me under some  _ exceptionally  _ unlucky circumstances.” He sounds out every syllable of “exceptionally”. Kravitz hears the sound of clutter being swept off a table and clattering to the floor. “All components were grocery-store legal except for the shed jackalope horn,” Taako reports. “Area of effect was personal, and it was a class two messenger demon. Is that all?”

Kravitz blinks. “Yes, that's all, thank you.” And then, because he doesn't want to hang up and because somehow Taako gave him what he needed without answering the questions or providing any extraneous info: “Have you done this before?”

“Is that another question?” Taako gives the last word an unpleasant inflection, and Kravitz flinches. 

“No, I-- I’m sorry to bother you. Don't worry about this call, I won't be reporting this incident. All the infractions are below my--” He doesn’t want to brag. “It's not the kind of case I handle.”

“Well, good.” Another silence; Kravitz imagines Taako checking his nails with a disaffected air. He tries to figure out how to end the call as non-awkwardly as possible so he can go scream in a pillow about the chance he just missed. He jumps when Taako speaks again. “Are you doing anything tomorrow night?”

“Am I doing...? No.” Pause for incredulity. “No, I'm not.” Another pause, that lasts too long this time. “...are you?”

Taako answers immediately. “Well, what do you know, it looks like I’m free that night! What say you to dinner, my dear?”

“Dinner sounds good,” Kravitz manages, thankfully without stuttering.

“Great! It's a date,” Taako chirps, like none of the previous conversation had just happened. “You'll have to pay, though, I just shredded all my credit cards and they won't be replaced in time.”

“Haha,” Kravitz actually  _ says _ , like a  _ nerd _ . “Uh. Yeah, that's cool. See you at six?” This was definitely not how he’d expected this to turn out. This wasn’t even  _ on _ the list of best-case scenarios.

“See you at six!” And somehow Taako makes the same four words sound much more smooth.

Kravitz goes and screams into a pillow anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> Kravitz was definitely pacing anxiously the whole time and Taako’s a mess when Lup and Barry go on vacation.


End file.
